Bye, Bye, Bye: The Economics and Energetics of Walking Away
Because Peace of Mind Isn’t Just a Nice-to-Have
Do you struggle with knowing when it’s time to go?
When to let go?
When to walk away?
When to throw in the towel?
They say that when you let go, you let the universe, spirit, or some greater cosmic force take over. It’s the ultimate act of surrender.
I make this call in two distinct ways: one heartfelt and spiritual, the other logical and calculated.
Ask any of my close friends, and they’ll tell you I’m the queen of walking away. I’ve walked away from an engagement, jobs, schools, friendships, and any dynamic that I concluded was no longer serving me. I’ll admit, sometimes it takes me longer than it should, but the point is, I eventually leave. And every time, my life levels up exponentially—my salary triples, my friendships improve, and my dating experiences take a quantum leap. When you let go, you actually create space for what’s truly meant for you to come in.
The Real & The Raw:
I constantly balance my boundaries with a deep concern that I could be more understanding and compassionate. We are all battling our own demons, each of us carrying our own struggles, self-sabotaging patterns, and histories that sometimes cause us to show up in less-than-ideal ways. I have a long history of wrestling with perfectionism. To be honest, it has cost me relationships with others and with myself. I hold myself to the highest standards, and in turn, I’ve often expected the same from those around me. Striving for the very best is admirable, but demanding it all the time is neither sustainable nor realistic.
Over the years, I’ve learned to extend grace to myself, and in doing so, I’ve become more forgiving, understanding, and compassionate toward others. While I do set firm boundaries, they don’t come into play until I’ve truly exhausted my compassion. (whether this is the best way to live is still up for debate . . .) The truth is, I’ve been misunderstood; I know what it’s like when you just can’t find the right words. I’ve made mistakes, and I don’t want to chastise someone for being human. I understand life happens, priorities shift, and sometimes your friendship is just going through a rough-patch.
I’ve learned to set aside assumptions and approach people with kind curiosity, gathering information and engaging in open conversations. However, as time passes, that information begins to reveal patterns, and patterns are very telling.
When you recognize a pattern, you’re faced with a pivotal choice: do you continue to participate, or do you prioritize your peace and part ways?
1. The Kitchen Island Test
Legacy in Every Choice
At the core of my deepest desires lies the joy of raising family with the love of my life and together, guiding the next generation with wisdom and love. The healing work I do isn’t just for myself; it’s for them—for the children who will carry our stories and shape the future. I’m committed to breaking the generational loops and narratives that have held us back, knowing that every choice I make ripples through time and will impact their lives. How I am loved will show my daughter how she should be loved and will show my sons how they should love. The love story I choose to participate in now will serve as a blueprint for them, teaching them what love is and what it isn’t. My relationships with my family and friends will tell them how to conduct themselves around others, and what behavior is acceptable and which are not. Nothing I do is without impact; nothing is without consequence. I live each day with the intention of building a legacy, knowing that my actions today will shape the world my children inherit tomorrow.
When I face difficult decisions, I envision myself standing at my future kitchen island, a place where I feel most at home, grounded, and deeply connected to love. My daughter, home from college, sits across from me, and as she speaks, I hear my own story as if she is living through it—experiencing my choices, walking in my shoes. In this moment of reflection, clarity washes over me.
No, I wouldn’t want her to feel like a back-up option or second choice.
No, I wouldn’t want her to settle for someone who doesn’t cherish her, who wouldn’t even take her dancing.
No, I wouldn’t want her to accept confusion over clarity.
No, I wouldn’t want her to question her self-worth, desirability, or sacrifice her self-respect.
I’d commend her for giving someone outside her usual type a chance and for being patient and understanding with someone from a different background, but I’d also remind her that there’s a limit—her kindness should never come at the expense of her self-respect.
It’s easier to give advice to someone you love, whether it’s your future daughter, your sister, or a close friend. So, I imagine myself in my dream kitchen, preparing food—because that’s how I love, through service, through nourishing those I care about. And I extend that same love and care to myself, making decisions from a place of cherishing the person I am and the person I’m becoming.
Applying the Kitchen Island Test
To apply this test in your own life, start by visualizing a place where you feel most authentic, most yourself. It might be your own kitchen, a favorite spot in your home, or a place that brings you peace and clarity. Now, imagine you’re with someone you deeply love and adore—someone you would never want to see settle for less than they deserve. Picture them sharing your story as if it’s happening to them. Listen carefully as they describe the situation you’re facing. How would you advise them? Would you encourage them to stay in a relationship or situation that’s causing them doubt or pain? Would you want them to question their self-worth or settle for less than what makes them truly happy? Now, compare that advice to what you’re doing right now. Is there a disconnect between how you’d guide someone you love and the choices you’re making for yourself? If so, consider how you can align your decisions with the same love and care you’d offer to someone else.
2. Understanding the Cost of Connection: An Economics Approach
Not every relationship that ends is rooted in blame or bad intentions; sometimes, it’s simply a matter of recognizing that the emotional investment outweighs the returns. For me, ending a relationship doesn’t mean the other person was terrible; it just means the connection was costing me too much. It’s not that they didn’t contribute to my life in some way, but the balance sheet of our relationship showed a negative net gain. And while you don’t need a B.A. in Economics (like myself) to grasp basic economic principles, let me explain:
In economics, opportunity cost is the concept of what you give up when you choose one option over another. For example, imagine you have two choices: spending your evening working on a project or going out with friends. If you choose to work on the project, the opportunity cost is the fun and relaxation you would have enjoyed with your friends. Conversely, if you go out with friends, the opportunity cost is the progress you could have made on your project.
In simpler terms, opportunity cost is the value of the next best thing you could have done instead of what you chose to do. It’s a tool that helps you weigh what you might be missing out on whenever you make a decision.
When it comes to relationships—both platonic and romantic—opportunity cost is a powerful lens through which to evaluate whether a connection is truly beneficial for you. Every relationship requires an investment of your time, energy, and emotions. In healthy relationships, this investment pays off in the form of love, support, joy, companionship, and a sense of belonging. These relationships can boost your confidence, help you grow, and provide clarity and peace of mind.
However, the opportunity cost in a relationship is what you’re potentially sacrificing in other areas of your life by continuing to invest in that connection. If, say a friendship, is filled with negativity, where someone is unsupportive, overly critical, or judgmental, the opportunity cost can be high. You could be giving up your peace of mind, clarity, self-confidence, and overall happiness by staying in a situation that drains you or brings toxic energy into your life. Additionally, the cost of staying in a romantic relationship that can’t meet your wants and desires is telling yourself that you are undeserving of what you truly crave. When your needs go unmet, you might begin to worry if it’s you—leading to self-esteem issues, constant anxiety, and a lack of peace of mind.
If you’re in a relationship that drains you emotionally or keeps you from pursuing your goals, the opportunity cost might be the peace of mind and fulfillment you could experience if you were to invest that energy elsewhere—in your personal growth, career, or other supportive relationships. The anxiety that comes from confusion and lack of clarity in a relationship is a high price to pay, one that directly impacts your mental well-being and the person you’re striving to become.
By considering opportunity cost, you can ask yourself: What am I sacrificing by staying in this relationship? Could I be using my time and energy in ways that better align with the person I want to become? When the cost of staying starts to outweigh the benefits, it’s time to reassess whether that relationship is still worth your investment. This perspective ensures that you’re making decisions that support your overall well-being and future potential.
For me, the opportunity cost of connections is my peace of mind and ultimately the woman I’m becoming. These are things I’m not willing to sacrifice. So, things only stay in my life as long as the opportunity cost—the potential benefits I’m missing out on by staying—does not exceed the value they bring to my well-being and growth. If a relationship costs me my peace of mind or threatens the woman I’m becoming, I step away. If staying in a relationship or situation costs you more than it gives in return, it’s a clear sign that it’s time to move on. It’s not about being heartless; it’s about making choices that honor your worth and ensure you’re becoming the person you’re meant to be.
How to Use the Economics Approach to Evaluate Your Relationships
To apply the economics approach in your own life, start by making a pro-con list, but with a twist—focus on what you gain and what you lose by staying in a relationship or situation. We often create a pro-con list of the person in front of us, but let’s turn it inwards and rank the impact of their presence on your life. On the "pro" side, list the benefits such as support, companionship, growth, or a sense of belonging. Perhaps the relationship boosts your confidence, aligns with your vision for the future, or brings joy and peace of mind. On the "con" side, consider what you might be sacrificing. Are you losing your sense of self, confidence, or clarity? Is the relationship causing you to doubt your worth, draining your energy, or leading you away from your goals? By ranking these impacts, you can assess whether the connection is enriching your life or costing you more than it’s giving back. This exercise helps you make a more informed decision that honors your well-being and the person you’re striving to become.
I’ll Leave You With This
It's essential to recognize that every relationship in your life carries both costs and benefits. By applying the Kitchen Island Test, you can approach decisions with love and clarity, ensuring that the choices you make today align with the legacy you wish to leave behind. The economics approach offers a practical framework for evaluating the true impact of your connections, helping you weigh what you gain against what you might be losing. By turning the focus inward and ranking how a relationship affects your well-being, you can determine whether it's worth the investment or if it’s time to lovingly let someone go.
Remember, it’s not about being heartless; it’s about honoring your worth and protecting your peace of mind. Whether you’re assessing the patterns in a relationship or contemplating the opportunity costs, the goal is to make decisions that support your growth and the person you’re striving to become. By doing so, you create space for the connections that truly enrich your life and align with your vision for the future. Every choice you make ripples through your life, shaping not only your own path but the legacy you leave for the next generation. Choose wisely, with both your heart and mind in balance.
