Loving What Is, Not What Might Be

On learning to see people as they are, not as we wish them to be.

Love and the Space Between: What I Learned About Love This Year

Valentine’s Day has a way of making us reflect on love—the kind we have, the kind we want, the kind we thought we had but didn’t. Over the past year, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about love is that real love means acceptance. Love is not conditional on someone behaving a certain way. It’s not, I love you as long as you do this or I’ll stop loving you if you don’t change that.

True love can exist alongside boundaries, but it cannot be rooted in control.

What Even Is Love?

I’ve been so interested in studying love —what it is, what it isn’t, and what we’ve been taught to believe about it.

Is love possession? The idea that if we care deeply about someone, they must be ours, they must fit into our life, they must stay.

Or is love acceptance? The quiet, steady knowing that we can cherish someone while understanding they are not meant for us.

I used to think love was about finding the right person, but now I wonder if it’s more about seeing people as they are and asking: Can I love them this way? Not in some future, reformed version of themselves. Not as a character in the script I wrote in my head. But as they stand before me—flaws, contradictions, and all.

And dating? Dating is the process of discovering if who they are is compatible with who you are.

Dating With Intention: From Like to Love

Most of us date with the intention of moving from like to love. We’re not just collecting experiences; we’re evaluating whether we want to invest more deeply. But here’s the thing—if the next step in the relationship is conditioned on them changing, then it’s likely not a fit.

If you find yourself saying, I really like them, but I’d love them if they just did X, that’s a sign.

Liking someone means appreciating who they are in the present. Love means embracing them fully, as they are, for the long haul. If you’re waiting on a potential version of them before fully committing, then you’re not in love—you’re in negotiations.

Are Your Differences Material?

Before you spiral into Will this work?, ask yourself:

• Is this difference material?
  Does it impact my core values, long-term vision, or ability to have the relationship I truly want?

• If yes, do I trust that someone aligned with my values will come in?
  Or am I holding on out of fear—fear of being alone, fear of losing a connection, fear of starting over?

• If no, am I placing conditions on my love?
  Am I saying, I’ll love and accept you, but only if you fit into this version I’ve created in my mind?

Because if the difference is material, then the real question isn’t about them—it’s about you. Do you trust yourself enough to walk away? Do you trust that someone who naturally fits will come in?

And if the difference isn’t material, then maybe it’s about acceptance. Maybe it’s about realizing that love isn’t about sculpting someone into the perfect partner but about seeing them fully—and making a conscious choice.

Are Your Conditions About Them—Or About You?

Sometimes, though, our “conditions” aren’t just about compatibility. Sometimes, they’re a reflection of our own need for safety and assurance.

If your mind is fixated on needing someone to text a certain way, call at a certain time, validate a certain feeling, or prove their love in a way that feels just right—pause.

Ask yourself:

• Is this a true standard I hold for partnership?

• Or is this my nervous system looking for a sense of safety?

Because if it’s the second, that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone else. That’s outsourcing something you actually need to sit with.

Creating Safety Within Yourself

If you find yourself anxious or unsettled when someone isn’t acting how you need them to, it’s worth asking: Is this discomfort coming from a lack of alignment, or from a lack of internal regulation?

When we attach our sense of security to how someone shows up, we are, in a way, making them responsible for holding our emotions together. And while reassurance in a relationship is beautiful and valid, no one can be the sole source of your stability. That’s work we must take upon ourselves—to regulate, to ground, to understand whether a desire is rooted in a true need or in scarcity and fear.

And if it’s the latter? No amount of texts, dates, or grand gestures will ever feel like enough.

The Puzzle That Won’t Click

Loving—or even just liking—someone but wishing they’d change is like forcing a puzzle piece into the wrong spot. You push, twist, and convince yourself that if you just adjust your perspective, it almost works. But deep down, you know—it doesn’t fit. And no matter how much effort you put in, you can’t force something to belong where it simply doesn’t.

The Movie They Didn’t Sign Up to Star In

It’s also like sitting in a theater, watching a movie, and getting frustrated that it’s not following the script you wrote in your head. You had this vision—this love story, this future—and you’re mad that the characters aren’t delivering their lines the way you imagined. But the thing is, they never auditioned for that role. They’re just being themselves. You either appreciate the movie for what it is, or you walk out of the theater.

The Gift of Letting Love (or Like) Be What It Is

I’m in a place now where I can love someone for who they are and know they aren’t for me. To hold tightly to what wasn’t meant for me would be poison—to wish, to wait, to ache for something that was never meant to fit.

Love has humbled me. It has softened my grip, loosened my expectations, and reminded me that true acceptance is the highest form of love. And even when it doesn't end in forever, even when it isn’t what I thought it would be, love still leaves its mark.

So, I bow at the altar of love—not to demand or bargain, but to listen, to learn, to let it shape me. For love is not about ownership, and it is not about guarantees. It is a teacher, if we let it be.

And while love is not a contract, marriage technically is. #lawjoke

This Valentine’s Day, ask yourself:
Am I loving (or liking) fully, or am I loving conditionally?
Am I seeing the person in front of me, or am I in love with an illusion?
Am I outsourcing my sense of safety onto them, or am I learning to hold it within myself?
Am I liking someone for who they are, or for who I think they could become?
And, most importantly, are our differences material? If they are, do I trust myself to walk away? If they’re not, can I learn to accept them?

And finally—
Am I choosing love for myself first?

Until next time.